This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown
Store Manager
While in China , an Australian man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom at all. A week after arriving back home in Sydney , he woke one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, 'I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looked a little perplexed and said: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answered: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screamed in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replied: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.'
The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his penis and proclaimed, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.'
The guy said to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. 'Stupid Australian doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!'
'Oh, Thank God!' the man replied.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!"
life moves too fast. if we dont stop once in a while we will miss on a hell lotta things.
i seem to be taking one too many stops.
SHIT!!
let the sun rise and shine with you
let it bring out the shine thts in you
when the sun sets
light will still come from you
so as long as i have you
i am safe and tht keeps me going
=)
it goes on and on and on and on like a neverending train of thought.
have to put a full stop , no coma to it.
then life would be perfectly balanced.
not like now; all play no work makes thira a stupid boy . LOL
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, was wondering wat you're trying to prove????
tht you're officially dumb?
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then, when you see what the other person
has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
It is so difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful
things as women and then he turns them into Wives
things as women and then he turns them into Wives
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
Q: Why doesn't the law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per the law you cannot be punished twice for the same
offence!
A: Because as per the law you cannot be punished twice for the same
offence!
HERE COMES THE ULTIMATE ONE
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
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