i use to think you were worth it now i myself dont know what to think. sigh :(
she asked me why her
she said i always went after the hot ones
but then again how do i explain
that ultimately,
beauty lies in the eye of the beholder
im trying to move on
but my heart doesnt want to
its riddling me with questions of
what ifs, what ifs, what ifs
and what ifs
i quote the killers
who said in their song
it started of with a kiss
how did it end up like this
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn ' t say a word...
he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women ' s type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I ' m just looking at your nuts.."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don ' t get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn ' t,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where ' s that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Marriage(Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************ ********* ********* ********* *********
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
************ ********* ** ************ ******
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
************ ********* ********* ********* **
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
************ ********* ********* ********* **
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
************ ********* ********* ********* **
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to
create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled once spread this
and
God love that PIG
Maybe you can keep me alive
Maybe you can get in my mind
But it's only a matter of time
Before the i hear again
things tht will make my heart feel the pain
after reading all this
you will say maybe it's a fall from grace
maybe its too late
maybe its me overreacting
But watever it maybe
I'll be back someday after all this
a different man
and know this
a heart is a fragile thing
but this heart was fragile
a long time ago.
very very long time ago
now its cold, and cant feel shit.
remember that
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