Tht day in class Vin Son started talking about Sonnet 18 out of the blue and i for once appreciated literature once i came home and googled and read it. Well, here it is.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
|
| –William Shakespeare |
There's somethin' you should knowPains me this chemistry between us,
cant u see What's been goin' onCause she's just a friend
It's messin' with my heart
I can't even start
To describe what I've been holdin' inside
It's makin' it harder for me to let go
Cause she's just a friend
Yes, she'll never know
Sometimes I wish I never met her at all
really
Yesterday I was having some work done at the workshop. A woman came in and asked for a 'seven-hundred- ten'.
We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred- ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710 !!
He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this
car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is...........
She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
Now go to the photo below to learn what a 710 is...........
MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1.. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7.. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Same elementary, shared the same bus stop
Even as a youngster I knew you was so fly
Even back then I knew you were the one
I watched you grow, I watched your transformation
Right through school to your current occupation
It took this long for me to man up and have this conversation
But fuck it, here it go
I want you, to want me
Girl I need to know that, I can be your one and only
I need you, to need me
See you were my worst mistake girl, and that's why
It's hard to keep my cool when I see you with him
Cause I really wish that you were right here
Tell me what's it take to win just a - piece of your heart
My only kryptonite is you, that's why anything you say I'll do
So let me stop for a minute, take a second to say
Girl you take my breath away, awayyyy
Girl you take my breath away (awayyyy)
They say one man's trash is the next man's treasure
Where one finds pain the next might find pleasure
I don't pay attention to them haters, now or never
I don't give a damn who was before me (me)
All that matters is you're with me now
All I need to know is that you're down
Man it's somethin special about round-the-way ladies
Ride-or-die baby, girl
I want you, to want me
Girl I need to know that, I can be your one and only
I need you, to need me
See you were my worst mistake girl, and that's why
It's hard to keep my cool when I see you with him
Cause I really wish that you were right here
Tell me what's it take to win just a - piece of your heart
My only kryptonite is you, that's why anything you say I'll do
So let me stop for a minute, take a second to say
Girl you take my breath away, awayyyy
Girl you take my breath away (awayyyy)
You take my breath away, you take my breath away, yeah
Yeah, on the real, let me tell you somethin..
Uhh, uhh, it's like I die a little every time I see you with this guy
Thinkin to myself, "Now why the hell she with that guy"
While she ain't by my side, we would be so fly
We would live that life
The life you used to dream is all about rapp-in
Back when I used to pull my BMX up alongside of your Schwinn
See, and here we are again
Funny how fate brought my Phantom up alongside of your Benz
And still
I want you, to want me
Girl I need to know that, I can be your one and only
I need you, to need me
See you were my worst mistake girl, and that's why
It's hard to keep my cool when I see you with him
Cause I really wish that you were right here
Tell me what's it take to win just a - piece of your heart
My only kryptonite is you, that's why anything you say I'll do
So let me stop for a minute, take a second to say
Girl you take my breath away, awayyyy
Girl you take my breath away (awayyyy)
You take my breath away, you take my breath away, yeah
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H}! Help me , I've fallen and I can't get up!...
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
:D
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
---------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
--------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
---------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------------------------------------------------
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
---------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
- - -
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
and then the fight started...
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play
the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces
for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was
calculated that thousand of people went through the station, most of
them on their way to work.
Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was
musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and
then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman
threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to
him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again.
Clearly he was late for work.
The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother
tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the
violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to
walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by
several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced
them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and
stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk
their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and
silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there
any recognition.
No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best
musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces
ever written, with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, tickets for Joshua Bell's
performance at a theater in Boston were sold out and the seats
averaged $100.
This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro
station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social
experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The
outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour:
Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize
the talent in an unexpected context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we
do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians
in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other
things are we missing?
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